The Politeness of Strangers in Oakland

Piedmont Cafe and Bakery is just the sort of unassuming-looking, hole-in-the-wall diner that immediately made my mouth water the first time I passed it. Even on a street packed with every type of restaurant, and literally across the street from the incredible Caffe Trieste (all in due time, my foodies!), the Piedmont Cafe screamed out for a low-key, high-calorie breakfast experience. Just the kind I like! Piedmont is a cool little street, the area between MacArthur and where the street literally dead-ends into one of the most beautiful and sprawling cemeteries I've ever seen, the Chapel of the Chimes. Along this little stretch of street there's three bookstores, five coffee shops, one theatre, any food you could want, a handful of boutiques, and one hundred places to get your nails done. On one of our first explorations of Piedmont, the Lady and I began talking to a local in the A.G. Ferrari's, an impressive Italian deli. One of the first questions he asked of us upon hearing we'd moved to the area was "Have you found your closest Trader Joe's yet?" That's kind of the vibe of Piedmont... lots of chai lattes and North Face jackets.
But not the Piedmont Cafe and Bakery! It is salt-of-the-earth, greasy spoon diner at its best. And by best, I mean they bake their own donuts! I'll wait while you process that.

The Lady and I walked in and stood awkwardly in that way that one does upon entering a new restaurant, when a guy behind us came in and sat down at the bar. We looked at each other, shrugged, and sat in between him and an elderly gentlemen reading on his iPad. We eyed the menu and got coffee in mugs plastered with ads for other businesses, most I suspect are no longer functioning. The Lady ordered a stack of pancakes, while I opted for a chili cheese omelette with home fries because chili cheese omelette.
This would typically be right around the part of the blog where I post a photo of the food, but something happened. I forget how it started, but we ended up striking up a conversation with our bar-mate, as it were, the gentleman named Darryl that had entered behind us and guided us, Moses-like, to our seats. This is a fact about the Bay Area. Everyone is nice here. Everyone will talk to you. Whether it's the guy at Ferrari's asking us whether we'd found our Trader Joe's, Darryl telling the tale of how he stole his dad's comic books back from his mom after the divorce, or the cyclist riding up to me to tell me that I had his name (Read, pronounced like, y'know, the name) on my shirt, strangers will start conversations with you and it does not mean that they are crazy. It's a wonderful thing.

So my omelette arrived, delicious and with two neat slices of melted cheddar on top, the potatoes fabulous if not novel, and the Lady's pancakes floated down from Heaven like a half-stack of clouds, and Darryl got pancakes AND a bacon omelette, I think, because he is a champ and it is a biological law that unless you write a breakfast blog on the regular, if you are a human being you always think you want an entire stack of pancakes but you always, always forget that it is almost impossible to complete them. Also, at least one of the employees had a shirt emblazoned with "Piedmond Cafe," perhaps signaling that he is from an alternate reality.
The bathroom, semi-hidden behind a curtain at the back of the diner, is covered with a pastoral mural, which the Lady and I deduce was executed by the same artist that has painted the entire inside of the Coffee Mill, which if I recall correctly, boasts being the first coffee shop in Oakland. This mural, in turn, has been rather expertly graffitied with unicorns, a couple of creatures which are either flying spaghetti monsters or mi-gos, and a bit of metagraffiti which declares the farmhouse is "HELL." So what I'm saying is, it is awesome.

  Atmosphere: 4/13
Clean: 2/3
Structural: 0/3
Decor: 1/3
Signage 0/2
Service: 1/2

  Menu: 7/8
Variety: 1/2
Size: 2/2
Beverages: 2/2
Prices: 2/2

  Food: 5/9
Presentation: 1/3
Portion: 2/3
Taste: 2/3

  Bathroom: 4/5
Clean: 1/2
Structural: 1/1
Decor: 2/2

  Overall 20/35

Oola La!

Welcome and welcome back, readers! Pinkies up if you're fancy! My first breakfast visit as an official Bay Arean (wait, scratch that... and stop reading out loud!) ...let's just say Oaklander. My first breakfast visit as an official Oaklander is San Francisco's Oola!

The Lady and I met up with mutual friends for brunch last week. It's in a funny spot by the Yerba Buena Gardens, and seems to be a bit of a secret for now. Going for brunch at 9 o'clock on a Saturday is dangerous business, this city loves it some brunch! So I was surprised when we opened the giant, industrial door to find we had the place pretty much to ourselves! The interior is a little cavernous, in that repurposed-warehouse sort of way that is the look du jour. We fell into one of thei soft-leather booths. The Lady and her friend both ordered the Mission Standoff, which includes a shot of Patron, a Bloody Mary, and a PBR. Our other friend ordered all day mimosas, which allowed him to choose which juice he would like each time, as he rotated through their options of orange, blood orange, mango, and pineapple.

I ordered a coffee, which was a surprisingly delicious French Roast from Equator Roasters. Along with the requisite ramekin of cream it came with a tiny mason jar full of sugars, including both raw and bleached sugar cubes, which was a very nice touch. Our server was pretty much THE NICEST guy ever, even acknowledging the shameless foodstagramming going on by waiting patiently until we got our shots. We ordered a round of oysters on the half shell that were pretty incredible, and then a round a fairly hearty breakfasts. Our friends ordered the Loco Moco and two poached eggs on mascarpone polenta, The Lady got some swedish pancakes, and I could not pass up some good old fashioned chicken and waffles.

The chicken comes in nuggets, with lemon and black pepper, and is damn tasty. It's lightly glazed with their apple maple syrup, but comes with another healthy serving if you want to drown those chickies. The Lady's meal was probably the lightest (I fell I should have known this, but apparently "Swedish pancakes" means "crepes"), but the rest were fairly substantial. The Loco Moco was definitely the crowd pleaser, with that seductively tender pork belly. Seriously, it's obscene.

We spent the rest of the morning shopping along Market, before we went our separate ways for the day. Oola is most definitely recommended for a City brunch, especially if you're tired of fighting the morning crowds in Hayes Valley and other feeding zones!

 Atmosphere: 9/13
Clean: 2
Structural: 2
Decor: 2
Signage: 1
Service: 2

Menu: 6/8
Variety: 2
Size: 1
Beverages: 2
Prices: 1

 

Food: 6/9
Presentation: 2
Portion: 2
Taste: 2

Bathroom: 3/5
Clean: 2
Structural: 0
Decor: 1

Overall: 24/35

The Glorious Return

Hello, again readers! How are you? How have you been? As some of you may know, I have recently relocated. Nowhere near as exotic as Iran or India, but I have recently left the tree-lined streets of sunny Sacramento for the saline shores of the lovely Lake Merritt in Oakland. Do you know what that means? A whole new major metropolitan area to explore! Designer donuts, copious cafés, and so much more. So the Morning Constitution will return, now bringing you the best breakfasts in the Bay! See you soon!

BaconFest '11!

I heard whispers of Sacramento's Inaugural BaconFest on the breeze, like a choir or angels. Seeing as how bacon is a huge reason I eat meat at all, it was a must-see. I try to eat vegetarian throughout the week for a variety of reasons, but doing so on the weekend severely limits my breakfast options. How else would you, my loyal reader(s), know about the Best Bacon in Sacramento?! I make these sacrifices for you. Last weekend, the 'Fest arrived.
It was a decentralized three-day event; there was no specific, separate location for it, but it was hosted at different venues for different events all weekend. (Un)fortunately, last weekend was a very busy acting weekend for me, so I wasn't able to participate in all of the events, but I made a couple.
The first night was hosted at Luigi's Fungarden, a pizza-by-the-slice joint and music venue. They had a Kevin Bacon Tribute night, featuring bands playing various songs from Kevin Bacon movies, which is a brilliant play on the theme. They had a BLT pizza, although it there was no signage for it, and by the time we got there, there were only a couple pieces off to the side. I took a stab at ordering it, even though it looked like someone else's order. There seemed to be several people who seemed to be under the impression that Bacon Beer was to be served as well, but was apparently not (and I have it on good authority that trying to make your own at the table is a bad idea). The BLT pizza was very good, with thin slices of tomato, lots of lettuce, and a drizzle of Ranch on top. It had a very nice, fresh taste.

The event I was really excited about was the next morning at Magpie Cafe. I'd only recently been to Magpie for the first time for dinner, and was excited to taste that all the buzz was substantiated. They have a regularly rotating menu, and I was sure they'd come up with something exciting for BaconFest.

Not having been there for breakfast before, I can't vouch for what their menu usually looks like, but there didn't seem to be a huge selection of bacon-related items. Well, perhaps that's not entirely true, and I have a confession to make; I don't like BLT's. I know, I know, I just enjoyed a BLT pizza the night before, but here's my thing; I'm not a huge fan of tomatoes. "You have to have them fresh from the farm, etc," I've heard all the arguments, but a combination of their watery taste and texture does not appeal to me. It doesn't appeal to me, at least, when it is the focus of a dish. Used within something, that's fine, and I liked the pizza the previous night because the 'maters were sliced thin. Magpie's menu had four bacon-related items, two of which were BLTs. Having crossed those off my list, that left their breakfast sandwich and a pork belly frittata. Out of the two, the sando sounded the most appealing, but I figured that was something I could get any day of the week, and I wanted something unique. I ordered the frittata, which included tomatoes and brussel sprouts. I also saw a bacon peanut butter hazelnut brownie in the pastry case, as well as a bacon maple bar. I ordered the brownie as well, and a coffee.

The brownie was damn tasty, with little bacon chunks that added a little salt and texture, but nothing overpowering in the bacon department (which would not necessarily have been bad). It was rich and delicious, and felt good with the hot coffee slicing through it. Our food arrived (Emily ordered a sausage sandwich, having a fickle relationship with bacon herself) promptly despite the place being near full. I snuck a bite of her sandwich, which came on a toasty ciabatta. It was really good, and I look forward to enjoying one of my own in the future. It also came with caramel-drizzled fruit that was extremely tasty; the caramel lent a delicate flavor that was not overbearing. My frittata came with some breakfast potatoes, which included some purple potatoes, which were beautiful and pretty darn tasty. The frittata itself came garnished with a veritable tiny salad on top. The pork belly was good, but it had a fairly light flavor to it as well, and the brussel sprouts gave it the least bit of sourness. Over all, I was honestly unimpressed. Not that it was bad by any means, but for "BaconFest" I wanted something greasier, saltier... baconier. Something, perhaps, less delicate. I realize that perhaps I have only myself to blame for excising myself out of the running on the BLTs.

Other events included bacon beer and food at Pangea that night, bacon brunch at Golden Bear the following day (which I was sorely disappointed I had to miss), and the main event at Mulvaney's Sunday night. That included a bacon - related competition featuring some of Sacramento's top chefs. The event was $20, included three beers or glasses of wine, and bacon-related appetizers and small plates while watching the competition. That is a pretty good deal, except that I don't drink, as a general rule, and I don't really enjoy beer or wine at all. Twenty dollars for small plates and snacks seemed steep, while watching chefs prepare delicious food I wouldn't be able to eat.

Even though my personal experience was about 50/50, I'm excited for the next 'Fest. It seems they had a larger group of venues wanting to be involved than they expected, but the only way to find out about those seemed to follow BaconFest on Twitter. It would be amazing to have a more centralized location, if possible, like the Garlic and Asparagus Festivals in the area, while still offering deals or special menus at various spots around town. Any way it might manifest, I'm excited for the BaconFest of the future!

Having The Chops

Good morning again! Today brings reports of another Constitutional, this time to the City By The Bay. It seems a little strange that I've reported back on breakfast in Seattle before San Francisco, but seeing as how SF is only a couple hours away, it's been a long time since I've actually spent the night there (or been there early enough to get breakfast!). My lady and I recently spent a couple days of adventure down there, however, and I made it a mission statement to enjoy as many breakfasts as I could!

Emily's recommendation was for the Pork Store Cafe on Haight. Due to the limited seating, we had to wait outside, but not too long. We sat at the diner counter, a perfect spot to breathe deep the greasy spoon vibe. There's something reminiscent of Sacramento's Pancake Circus in the happy cartoon pigs painted on the walls, only without the unbridled terror the former destination's paintings bring. Keeping with my general idea to order the weirdest -- or at least most insane-sounding -- item on a new menu, I selected "Eggs In A Tasty Nest," while Emily decided on the Pork Store Special. We both go juice, and I had a coffee as well to help restore my humanity. As much as I enjoy artisan, extravagant, exotic coffees, there is a certain charm to burnt diner coffee. It's a different beverage entirely, one you alter with milk and sugar to become a caramelized candy confection, but it is just as enjoyable as a well-brewed cup of Ethiopian. Sometimes, even more so.

The "tasty nest" the menu describes is a delicious mess of cheese, hash browns, garlic, tomatos, green peppers, bacon, and onions topped with two over easy eggs and served with biscuits. It was very tasty, indeed, an huge pile of pretty much everything I like about breakfast. I snuck a bite of Emily's pork chops as she scaled the stairs to the bathroom, and found them equally enjoyable.
Given how busy it was, the service was very good, if not not extraordinary. I sat next to an Australian cyclist, and it was clear very quickly that it was kitschy enough to be a hipster hot spot. It was crowded, but not so loud we couldn't hold a conversation about meditation vs hallucinogens.

The upstairs bathroom has a balcony overlooking the restaurant that makes it feel a little like a Wes Anderson set, and the bathroom itself is covered in graffiti, as any good, hip, urban bathroom should be. All in all, a very fun experience and a great way to start your day if you plan on burning calories exploring and adventuring! More from this particular Constitutional coming soon, but get ready for this next week's coverage of Sacramento's Bacon Fest!

Atmosphere: 7/13
Clean: 1/3
Structural: 2/3
Decor: 2/3
Signage 1/2
Service: 1/2

Menu: 7/8
Variety: 2/2
Size: 2/2
Beverages: 1/2
Prices: 2/2

Food: 6/9 pts
Presentation: 2/3
Portion: 2/3
Taste: 2/3

Bathroom: 3*/5 pts.
Clean: 1/2
Structural: 0/1
Decor: 2/2

Overall: 23/35

*This is a complete matter of personal taste, and could easily be a score of zero, depending on such. I'm counting the copious amount of graffiti as decoration, since it surpasses a few scrawls and is so dense it's visually arresting. However, I completely understand if you feel that this makes the bathroom look disgustingly dirty. I understand, but you're wrong.

Happy 2012!!

A Belated Happy Holidays from the Morning Constitution! I apologize for the lack of recent posts, but the last couple months have been incredibly busy in both the predictable, and some unpredictable ways.
I celebrated Christmas Eve at Tower Cafe with a good group of friends, enjoying their delicious, seasonal, Eggnog Pancakes. Yesterday I celebrated New Year's Eve at Orphan with some Nutella Pancakes! Both varieties were extra delicious.

I received two Christmas gifts which will directly contribute to the awesome ratio of this blog; a new camera with better.... everything, that actually focuses, and a notebook with two tigers on it (important!) to take notes during breakfastses. I'm excited about being able to make the blog more entertaining and far prettier due to both of those!
It's been a year already, and I'd like to offer a truly heartfelt thank you to all of you who have followed or otherwise enjoyed this blog. It's been a true pleasure, and I hope to continue it for a while to come.

Here are some fun facts from the first year of the Morning Constitution;

Two people found the blog by searching for "Stephanie Hyden" (thanks, Steffie!).
One person found it by searching for "person in the wolf suit!"
As of this moment, the page has been viewed 550 times! Twice in Latvia, five times in Ghana, and 43 times in Malaysia, certainly largely due to the fact that my last name translates to "Gecko" in Malaysian.
French Toast, Pancakes, and Omelettes tied for the most tagged food items this year.

Lots more to come in 2012; a new mini-Constitutional coming soon, new reviews, and lots more excitement! Thanks for sticking around!

October; Horror-ibly Busy!

Whew!

I've been trying to get around to an update for weeks, now, but October's been so crazy I haven't had time! I have, however, had lots of breakfasts! I made it out to Golden Bear on a couple occasions (official review pending!).

One of those brunches was a pre-emptive birthday breakfast with a couple of film-makin' buddies. We went out to see the prequel version of "The Thing," which was thoroughly entertaining, and well executed. Is it as good as John Carpenter's? No, but honestly, few movies are; his version is a beautiful example of suspense, horror, sci-fi, and film-making in general. My parents also took me out to Tower on my actual birthday, and I enjoyed the seasonal french toast, a side of their great bacon, and a delicious, free dessert! The next day I trucked it down to Orphan to have a tasty smoothie and breakfast quesadilla!

I spent a lot of free time hunting for various costumes for the multiple events over the month, and it was nice to see the city getting in the mood, too! I co-hosted the Comedy Spot's Cage Match on Thursday, a competitive comedy show hosted by my new buddy Chris Miller. In a Halloween theme, I played my scary-clown-luchador character El Payaso Del Diablo. It was a lot of fun and a good chance to perform on stage again! El Payaso is a fun, bizarre and creepy character to play, a sort of odd mix of innocence and ultra violence. Chris: "So, you're a clown...and you do birthday parties. What sort of things do you do?" Payaso: "Well, you know, I know some balloon animals, and some magic tricks." Chris: "Oh. magic tricks? Like what?" Payaso: "Well, I can pull a guy's intestines out of his ear!"

The next weekend was insanely full; all three days I utilized my pass for the Sacramento Horror Film Festivalto its fullest, spending as much time as I could in the historic Colonial Theatre, soaking up some great horror films! The festival is very well organized, and has a great variety of small, indie films and studio films. The first night I took in some shorts, and then the appropriately named "Vile," the flagship for cinema's torture-porn armada. Friday and Saturday night I also found myself at the Crest for TFO's showing of Zombie. For the pre-show, I found myself dressed as a pimp, out on K Street with my zombie-boxing cohort Rae Wright, yelling at strangers. It was amazing! Zombie was fantastic, and a true Trash Film; a perfect blend of awesome and terrible, perfect for heckling and appreciation!

Saturday I made my way to the Mighty Kong Cafe for breakfast, and some of muy chosen Halloween reading, the wonderful, VanderMeer-edited tome "Thackery T. Lambshead's Pocket Guide to Eccentric and Discredited Diseases," a compendium of fictional diseases that range from the hilarious to the horrific. I got a waffle with their house-made sausages, and some one of their renowned muffins!
At the Fest, I got to watch Nightmare Before Christmas on the big screen, and it was followed by tons of awesome shorts. Then, one of the highlights of the entire festival for me, the feature Absentia. This movie is amazing! It starts a little heavy-handed, but contains some of the most sincere acting I've ever seen, and is one of the best examples of low-budget, less-is-more horror ever. Brilliant! Sunday I got to see another of my new favorites, Trick 'R Treat, and a lot of shorts, including the Filmmaker's Challenge shorts. One was my entry; a short I acted in along with Christina Crowe, Sean Kime, and Steffie Hyden. We filmed it entirely on cellphones in a day or three. It ended up winning not only the Judges' Award, but the Audience Choice Award as well! It was a lot of fun and really rewarding!
The next week, I worked the third annual One Scary Night party. I got to have a bit of a bigger role than the previous two years, including the ability to speak! The last couple times I've worked it, I've been a zombie, but this year I got to be the diabolic Ringmaster. The part was a lot quieter than previous years, however, and since my own entertainment is directly linked to crowdwork, it wasn't quite as much fun, either. I spent the next day recovering, especially since Saturday was ultra-loaded!
I scooted over to Tower for some of their incredible pumpkin pancakes first thing. Always a seasonal favorite. Next, I spent the afternoon with family before spending the evening with friends; specifically, the delightfully demented folks of the Trash Film Orgy. It was an awesome warehouse party, filled with fantastic costumes. I dressed up as the Obelisk from 2001: A Space Odyssey (that's right I did!). There was a Link, a Rattman from Portal, Peter Pan and his (her) Shadow, X-23, Mystique, Wolverine, and Zatanna, just to name a few. It was a thoroughly entertaining night, which also included live performances from Tragically White, as well as the debut of the TFO-produced Tragically White video I got to shoot with them a few weeks back!

Overall, it was a pretty incredible month; I rounded it out with an awesome haunted house, Nosferatu on the big screen, and Rocky Horror. Now I'm trying to get my feet back under me for an equally exciting Holiday season. More soon!

Rock The Block

Is part of the most recent effort to revitalize K Street. Across from the Crest Theatre, it's between Dive Bar, a mermaid themed bar, and District 30, a cosmetics ad themed bar. Pizza Rock is a... I'm not entirely sure what the theme is. Pizza. And also... rock and roll, I assume, but more like cliches and a semi truck. For real, there's a flame-emblazoned semi cab over the bar, designed like it's crashing through a chain link fence, for no apparent reason. What semis have to do with Pizza or Rock, I have no idea. There's also a large mural on the ceiling of The Creation of Adam, perhaps the most overused art swipe EVER, except God is handing Adam a guitar. Aside from these strangenesses, and the design behind their logo looking like it was doodled by a high schooler, the set up is pretty cool. The building is cavernous, featuring one oven up front, with a bar around it, and the window into the kitchen at back looking like a giant pizza oven itself. There is a small stage flanked by two enormous built-in "couches" which I assume also serve an acoustic purpose.

They recently bagen serving a brunch, and their food has been getting pretty good reviews, so I decided to check it out. My first visit down there allowed me to wander through Fremont Park during the height of Chalk It Up!, our annual chalk art festival. I caught a performance by the lovely and endearing Autumn Sky, and then moseyed on down to K. I sat on their small outside patio, and enjoyed some hot tea. Their tea selection is actually very good, although I get the feeling I might be one of the few that ever gets it. I had a green tea the first time that was just a touch sweet, very nice. Their brunch menu runs quite the gamut; there's some traditional stuff, a nice selection of sweet or savory breakfast pizzas, and a couple nice surprises. I decided to get the breakfast potato skins my first time, as it promised to deliver nearly everything I love about breakfast in bite size snack form; potatoes, cheese, eggs, bacon, and scallions!

This is almost definitely the classiest presentation of "potato skins" I've ever seen. Add to that; they're delicious! The little slices of fresh fruit was a nice touch. They're about two bites each (NOTE: bite size may vary; I've got a big mouth). I just used my hands because, potato skins. Am I right? They have a tendency to topple, but if you have taste buds, you probably won't care.

My second visit, I decided I was morally obligated to get pizza. After an agonizing couple minutes, I decided to go with the savory Eggs and Double Sausage over one of the sweeter choices (Nutella and Kiwi? Who wants to split on with me?). Luckily, I didn't get a side, as I wasn't quite able to eat the whole thing. Do believe I put in a valiant effort, though! I sat inside this time, trying not to pay attention to the multiple, huge-screen TVs playing football. I did get to check out a guy demonstrating some impressive pizza-dough-throwing for a birthday party, which was thoroughly entertaining. As I mentioned before, the design inside is... eclectic, at best, and I feel it's generally leaning toward the Broquator. They play (as one might expect) a wide selection of rock and rock-related music. It seems a guarantee that there's something everyone will love, music-wise, but with such a broad category that's also a guarantee that there's something everyone will hate. Also, every song from the 90s reminds me of Goo Goo Dolls' "Slide," and I have no idea what that says about me. They do have live acoustic music during their brunches, which is pretty cool; that seems to start around noonish.
The bathroom has that same almost-cool-if-it-weren't-trying-so-hard vibe that the rest of the restaurant has, with fake brick walls and fake graffiti. No one bothered to tell them that graffiti is generally "hip hop" and not "rock," it seems. Also, it was one of the smelliest bathrooms I've been in (at least since Pancake Circus), which might have owed to what looked like a fresh puddle in the corner, and not the general upkeep. There is a reason the city's trying to revitalize K Street, after all.
In closing, I saw this, and it's hilarious;

Atmosphere: 8/13
Clean: 2/3
Structural: 2/3
Decor: 2/3
Signage 1/2
Service: 1/2

Menu: 7/8
Variety: 2/2
Size: 2/2
Beverages: 2/2
Prices: 1/2

Food: 7/9 pts
Presentation: 2/3
Portion: 3/3
Taste: 2/3

Bathroom: 3/5 pts.
Clean: 0/2
Structural: 1/1
Decor: 2/2

Overall: 25/36

It's A Circus Out There

As soon as I stepped foot into Pancake Circus last month, it felt strange that I'd never been there before. One reason is that I've lived in this town my entire life, (obviously) love the hell out of breakfast, and here's a restaurant that includes two of my favorite things, pancakes and circuses, in one breath. The other is that it's a strange sort of diner feel that refuses to acknowledge the passage of time. I felt like I was in a Twilight Zone episode, suddenly roadtripping across the country in the 1950s.

Pancake Circus is endearing exactly because of its strangeness. It's decorated with several circus animal heads, including Winnie the Pooh. No joke, Winnie the Pooh's clearly-a-stuffed-animal face is all over the place. Also Magilla the Gorilla, and a poorly traced Tigger. And scary clowns! The entire register area is a shrine to some terrible Clown deity. I feel like lighting a candle to Nyarlathotep in grease paint when I pay my bill. All of this is executed without the least bit of irony, which makes it simultaneously more horrifying and more awesome. The entirety of the serving staff seems like a bunch of truck-driving grandmas that would be the toughest gang in a Warriors sequel. I never knew tough love was a style of customer service. They may not be the most attentive, but you know they'd have your back in a fight.
"But Morning Constitution," you ask yourself, "what about the food?" They have a pretty big menu, owing partially to the fact that they serve steaks, seafood, and salad, as the sign can attest. My first venture out I ordered the apple waffle, with whip cream. I got some eggs and bacon to round it all off.

I couldn't include a human skull for scale, but this waffle was larger than my face. The whip cream obviously came out of a spray can, and the apples themselves also had an out-of-the-can flavor. Upon a later visit, I ordered the eponymous pancakes, which were pretty darn good, and likewise huge. As an added touch, the back of the check has a bizarre series of clowns with balloons that allow you to rate your service. Here's where I just say it all outright; Pancake Circus is not a place where you go to get the most delicious breakfast in town, but who goes to the circus for the food? It is a place to get a decent, late breakfast, and enjoy a totally demented atmosphere.

Oh, an a cautionary post script; not only is the staff transplanted from a truck stop, so are the bathrooms. Avoid them if you can!

Atmosphere: 6/13
Clean: 1/3
Structural: 0/3
Decor: 3/3
Signage 1/2
Service: 1/2

Menu: 7/8
Variety: 2/2
Size: 2/2
Beverages: 1/2
Prices: 2/2

Food: 5/9 pts
Presentation: 1/3
Portion: 3/3
Taste: 1/3

Bathroom: 0/5 pts.
Clean: 0/2
Structural: 0/1
Decor: 0/2

Overall: 18/35 pts.

A Beginning and An End

Today marked the opening of Doughbot! A doughnut shop in the style of Portland's Voodoo Doughnuts, they sling maple bars and apple fritters with bacon, vegan doughtnuts, and more! I rose before the sun to march down there and meet a friend and her daughter so that we could get in on the deliciousness before they sold out! We ran into local musician and fantastic human being Addison Quarles picking up a dozen for himself. I got a Cacao! donut (which reminds me of this Calvin and Hobbes strip);

as well as a "The Dude," a vodka-infused donut that tasted a lot like tiramisu. They're obviously still getting things set up, as evidenced by the fact they seem to have run out of product fairly early. There's definitely a lot of potential there, with a nice big space and the beginnings of robot-related decor. The donuts are cheap, too; hopefully not too cheap for them to survive as a business!

I then attempted to get in on Chalk It Up! Sacramento's annual chalk art festival, but for the first time in years was unable to get a spot! While this is good news for the festival, it's bad news for me. However' I think I'll spend some money on some of the smaller squares and put together a few things; I've been reading a lot of Hellboy recently, and there seems to be some interest in me doing a Hellboy square, as well as a request for Trash Film Orgy's King Kogar. We'll see what tomorrow brings! That definitely freed up my weekend plans, however, and I'm spending some of it soaking up the atmosphere at the downtown Temple location before it moves. Temple is arguably the best coffee shop in town, and this location has definitely played a big part in my life; sneaking downtown when college courses seemed too much, writing albums for bands, taking dates, and just relaxing and enjoying some delicious coffee and tea. It's a very cool old building that used to be a bookstore many years ago, with a distinctive front and booth areas, an odd little bookshelf built into the brick wall, and a fun quaint/funky vibe. The new location opens in a couple days and is merely a block away, so I look forward to visiting that soon and often as well, but today is time for a bittersweet goodbye to a location that's played a huge role in my life, and will always be connected to my life in this city.
I realize I've been a little lax on reviews of late, but I promise there's more coming! Soon; my Pancake Circus adventure and the tales of the Sacramento Film and Music Festival, as well as upcoming visits to Pizza Rock and Golden Bear!

Define "Dinerant"

Now, a "dinerant," in print, looks to me as though it should be defined as an angry tirade about a disappointing or upsetting meal. However, Portland's "The Original" seems to define it as a hybrid between "Diner" and "Restaurant." Since I think we can all agree that all diners are restaurants, this may seem an odd hybrid. Nonetheless, it is oddness that drew me to The Original in the first place.
I decided to consult Breakfast In Bridgetown to find a singular breakfast joint in the downtown Portland area. One of the lovely things about the book is that it gives you the hours and days the various establishments serve breakfast, and since I was leaving on a weekday, it definitely limited my options. But I finally stumbled across the entry for The Original. Apparently when it first opened, its overly (and seemingly overtly) bizarre menu proved quite divisive. Lobster corn dogs, and other such low brow/high brow mashups explain the "dinerant" moniker. It has since seemingly slowed its roll a bit, and the book settled upon the opinion that despite the fact many Portlanders might still hold it in contempt, it is pretty much without reason. Also, it was really close to where I got off of the bus (I tried to minimize my travel since I was weighed down with all sorts of travel souvenirs), and, y'know, open.

They definitely had a policy of hiring insanely attractive girls with awesome tattoos. I definitely felt my lack of cool carrying a bunch of luggage, but swallowed my pride and took a seat next to the window. The place was huge, with a very definite hypermod, 50's World's Fair kind of retrofuture feel. There were tons of fun low brow paintings everywhere, including one wall covered with celebrity portraits paired with quotes by a local homeless artist. I think the reason that Bridgetowners might dislike it is that it does seem perhaps a little more self-aware than most places there; it is very "Portland," but it does feel like it's trying for it. The menu was not nearly as outlandish as the book led me to believe (although I got the impression the weekend brunch menu is far more adventurous).
I went with the most unique-sounding item on the menu, the Creme Brulee French Toast, and paired it with some delicious Stumptown Coffee (aside from being a big Stumptown fan, part of my plan was to keep myself insanely caffeinated so that the crash would coincide with lights out on the train. I was semi-successful).

You can see to the right the full compliment of syrups that come with all the griddle orders; Maple Syrup, a Seasonal Syrup (in this case Marionberry), and Honey Butter. A different syrup for each slice! The bacon was good, and the French Toast was incredible. True to its name, it had the crunchy caramelocity of creme brulee, but was soft and sweet in the middle. It went perfectly well with the maple syrup, and the marionberry was excellent! Just the slightest hint of tartness paired well with the beautiful texture of the toast. The honey butter would have been great on a less sweet dish, but was a little overwhelming with the already-sweet toast. It was delightfully filling, and I got a strong buzz from the coffee that kept me humming all the way to the train station!
As per Morning Constitution tradition, I visited the restroom before I left (the importance to me of restroom's reflection of a restaurant will be detailed soon, I promise). I was a little disappointed at first, that such a design-heavy restaurant -- or, excuse me, dinerant -- would have such a boring restroom, although the deep blue was a nice color. Then I realized that instead of being a simple box, the walls actually curved into the ceiling so that the negative space of the room actually resembled something akin to the Brave Little Toaster. It was a simple, but elegant touch that helped seal the deal, and let me leave fulfilled in my Bridgetown Breakfast experiences. The Original might be trying, but it also succeeded.

Atmosphere: 12/13
Clean: 2/3
Structural: 3/3
Decor: 3/3
Signage 1/2
Service: 3/2 (bonus point for everyone being a supermodel)

Menu: 4/8
Variety: 1/2
Size: 1/2
Beverages: 1/2
Prices: 1/2

Food: 7/9 pts
Presentation: 2/3
Portion: 2/3
Taste: 3/3

Bathroom: 3/5 pts.
Clean: 1/2
Structural: 1/1
Decor: 1/2

Overall; 26/35

Overheard

A brief intermission, as I'm readying my final Northwest journey post, on the fun "dinerant" I visited on my last morning in Portland. I have, of course, been breakfasting in the meantime, and TFO season has started, which means my weekends are full of zaniness and late nights.
For those of you not in the know, TFO is Sacramento's own Trash Film Orgy, a summer Midnight Movie festival that traditionally runs for six weeks, showing awesomely schlocky cult movies at midnight on Saturday, complete with lobby games, stage shows, and prizes. To kick off the season, last Saturday they organized Sacramento's Zombie Walk (an event they are credited with founding!). I appeared on Good Day Sacramento as a zombie, and then worked security during the walk and show. The TFO crew is a group of insanely talented people, full of love for each other and the event, and it's always a pleasure to be a part of it. This weekend supplied Sacramento's Inaugural Mermaid Parade, which I took part in as a tentacled creature with some very good friends. Keeping the nautical theme going, TFO presented Humanoids From The Deep, and the stage show was the musical "The Lusty Rampage Of The Raperfish." I played the titular character, which involved wearing blue tights and an enormous foam fish costume, complete with some fully functioning... equipment. Needless to say, after stalking around splay-legged on stage carrying a man-sized sexually aggressive fish on my back all night, I'm a little sore and tired this morning.
I tumbled down to Tower this morning to slake my hunger. Despite the fact I haven't gone regularly in months (and those times I have, of late, I haven't seen many faces I recognize) the hostess one of the servers recognized me and came up to say hello, a testament to the awesome service! As I was in line to make my reservation, I heard a couple behind me. The girl was advising the guy to never, ever get the Seasonal French Toast. As readers of this blog, and anyone who's ever been the Tower know, this is terrible, bass-ackwards advice. "They put this terrible 'fruit compost' stuff on it," she said, "it's all sticky, and soggy..." Fortunately, the guy could read and therefor could tell the difference between "compost" and "compote," and seemed unswayed by his ladyfriend's misguided advice.

I ordered a chai, in honor of being in the homestretch of reading Ian McDonald's River of Gods, a massive, sprawling, Mievillian novel set in India in 2047. It was a little difficult to get into, but has definitely proven worth it. It follows nine very disparate characters through a mystery that involves Gods and Artificial Intelligence. Having finished it between enacting and writing this post, I'm currently undergoing that mild grief that only finishing a 500+ page good book can bring.

I ordered the Sicilian Scramble, the day's special. It included Italian sausage, and was topped with fresh basil and some excellently crisp shredded parmesan. I was also treated to my neighboring table's amusing story of the woman's attempt to deal with her six-year-old stepdaughter, who has apparently recently discovered the joys of self-pleasure, and is apparently rather enthusiastic in pursuing them.
Unrelated; Tower has also recently expanded their waiting area, and this was my first chance to explore it. They've sacrificed some of their garden to create a pathway with copious seating, included some of their fantastic driftwood benches. There's enough foliage to maintain the "Secret Jungle" allusion, but it helps with the crowds that tend to clog the sidewalk on weekend mornings. All in all, a damn good way to start a day of recouping!

When Hot Cakes Attack!

One of the other recommendations I got from my Portland ex-pat friends (can you be an expatriate of a city?) was the Hot Cake House, a twenty four hour pancake extravaganza. This sort of thing, is obviously impossible for me to pass up. I'd also picked up a copy of Breakfast in Bridgetown, a celebration of Portland's breakfast restaurants! A bookstore that hands you a map, and a book about breakfast spots? Portland is definitely my kind of town.
I took a couple of buses down to where the Hot Cake House was located, being forewarned that it would sit heavy in my belly. The sign had a vintage look to it, sun bleached and simple. The whole restaurant sits heavy in the greasy spoon vibe, although a couple of bubbled alcoves keep it a little more interesting. I immediately felt a bit like an outsider, that there was some code I didn't necessarily know that I should follow. The place was surprisingly empty, but sported a big open kitchen, and a juke box. I ended up getting two 'cakes and a side of hash browns, treated with a bit of that "outsider" I felt at the front door. A large group came in shortly after me, with at least a couple other out-of-towners, and later there was an obvious regular shocked at how quiet it was.

My food was delivered pretty quickly, two football-long heavy plates, one filled with the face-sized hot cakes, and the other overflowing with hash browns. The 'cakes were great; big fluffy suns. The hash browns were slick with a layer of delicious, artery-clogging grease. I was able to get about halfway down the plate before admitting defeat. It was definitely the gut-filling breakfast I'd been promised! From there, it was a simple busride into town before I got started on an adventure-filled day!


Atmosphere: 6/13
Clean: 1/3
Structural: 2/3
Decor: 0/3
Signage 2/2
Service: 1/2

Menu: 5/8
Variety: 1/2
Size: 1/2
Beverages: 1/2
Prices: 2/2

Food: 7/9 pts
Presentation: 1/3
Portion: 3/3
Taste: 3/3

Bathroom: 1/5 pts.
Clean: 1/2
Structural: 0/1
Decor: 0/2

Overall: 19/35

Home Cooking In The Beaver State

According to popular family mythology, my dad lobbied to name my "Hawthorne" before I was born (as an adult, I'm still not entirely sure this isn't true). That being said, when I had a chance to stay at the eponymous hostel of Portland's Hawthorne district, I felt I had no choice in the matter. Even better, then, that one of my friends' breakfast recommendations, the Hawthorne Cafe, was scant block from my hostel.
I'd arrived in town the day before, and run into my first Google Maps snag; while I'd previously been praising it for helping me get around, this time it directed me to walk across a bridge with no foot traffic. After finally finding a way to stroll across the Willamette River after getting a little lost in the main urban area of Portland for a while, I began the over thirty block trek to my hostel. Still a little train-bleary, this was not necessarily the most auspicious of beginnings to my stay. I did a little exploring, and then promptly passed out.

I slept in a little ("sleeping in" being relative, of course, for a guy who generally wakes up at six in the morning) and then walked the couple blocks down to Hawthorne Cafe. It's in a neat little converted house with a nice yard and outside seating. The service was delivered by the owner, who was incredibly nice. I ordered the mango crepe, which came with half an eggs florentine, and a side of potatoes. The house was very pretty, and allowed for some pretty good eavesdropping (which, let's be honest, is an important part of eating out). The Hawthorne neighborhood is fun, and a little kitschy.

The food was nicely displayed, and very tasty. I almost always expect crepes to be large, meal-size affairs (thanks largely to Sacramento's Crepeville), but I did a good job of anticipating the size. The potatoes were good but not really startlingly different, which sort of summed up the place nicely. Everything was really good, and it was a nice, home-made style breakfast, but there was nothing totally insane on the menu. It was nice and filling, and got me off to a good start!

Atmosphere: 6/13
Clean: 1/3
Structural: 2/3
Decor: 1/3
Signage 1/2
Service: 1/2

Menu: 6/8
Variety: 1/2
Size: 2/2
Beverages: 1/2
Prices: 1/2

Food: 6/9 pts
Presentation: 2/3
Portion: 2/3
Taste: 2/3

Bathroom: N/A /5 pts.
Clean: /2
Structural: /1
Decor: /2

Overall: 18/30